Here are some funny dad rules for surviving Christmas, especially the one about doing something really nice to kick things off, listen to people say “you shouldn’t have,” and then “don’t” for the rest of the holiday. I do wish I understood what a “lilo” (#6) is however.

Dad rules: surviving Christmas
Andrew Clover
Listen up. You’ve only a few days to prepare before you travel to enemy territory for Christmas. Here’s a checklist for survival:

1 The curse of Christmas is that there are always people more generous than you. And there’s always one random — eg neighbour, friend of Mum’s — who’ll shame you with chocolates. Be prepared: hoard bottles of something you can claim to be your favourite wine. Make cards with your children. My daughter Cassady, 5, did one that depicted the Christmas fairy. (“She does not like sitting on Christmas trees because she gets needles in her pants.”) I’ll be giving those to everyone.

2 Obviously, you want to arrive early so as to bag rooms before your sister arrives, but don’t drive children in the daytime, or you’ll arrive stressed and covered in crumbs. Tell your sister you’re arriving on the 24th. Drive up on the night of the 23rd.

3 Bring earplugs, holly and manners. A good idea is to wash up immediately after arriving. Everyone will say: “Oh, no, you really shouldn’t.” For the rest of the visit, heed their advice. A good ruse is to be the one who befriends the aged relative. When in doubt, sit on the sofa and nod.

4 Beware — there may be enemy children about, and you must show you’re a good sport by engaging with them. The trick is to delay this as long as possible, or they will seek you out as their special friend. Wait till the last day, then make an impression by flying them round the living room. Make sure you don’t trip, though, or you’ll crash-land them onto Granny.

5 Just accept it: all mums are insane throughout Christmas. There’s little you can do. Peel potatoes. Keep smiling. Ply with drink.

6 Steel yourself for siblings. You’ve not talked in a year; suddenly, you’re sharing a lilo on the floor.

7 Keep your discipline. Last year, we visited the in-laws, who are restrained, ascetic people, who drink moderately and snack on brown organic apricots. My head felt like one of those apricots, after I’d stayed up till 3am enjoying a one-man party of booze, fags and Bourne films. I arrived in the kitchen at 8am. Sister was making a sauce. Mum was chopping leeks while listening to a report on the Indonesian economy. There was nowhere to hide.

8 Go to bed early and don’t make festive innuendos such as “I’ve got to stuff the turkey”, or “I’d better get to bed. Later, I’m coming down the chimney”.

9 You’ll be under surveillance from mums determined that everyone should have fun. At all times wear a smile, a festive hat and the ugliest and most garish present you’ve been given.

10 Remember to enjoy yourself. If you don’t, someone will attack. ’Tis the season to be jolly. And if you can’t be jolly, get drunk.

[From Dad rules: surviving Christmas - Times Online ]

Just a few days left to get your shopping done. Here are some ideas if you’re short on time.

1. Go to the bookstore. Books are a great idea because you can wander the aisles and be prompted by book titles to think of the right subject for the recipient. A trip to a bookstore, even after work, or on a Sunday afternoon, is a relatively peaceful experience and you might even consider it a break in an otherwise hectic shopping day. Books also have an important advantage: they are easy to exchange or return for full refund.

2. Concert DVDs. Here’s an idea that not everyone thinks of especially for women. If you were the one to buy the 55 inch HDTV, a concert DVD is a perfect way to showcase its features. With so many DVDs for rock, classical, jazz, and every other style imaginable, you can find something really original that will bring the music home.

3. Theater, ballet, opera, or anything else you usually don’t attend, tickets. Many women complain that man just won’t go to these types of events. If there is a type of performance that she’s dying to see, this will surely be a hit. You can even suggest you take another friend, but for even larger effect, volunteer, without complaining, to attend with her.

4. Flowers. Don’t forget this old standby, especially if on Christmas eve day there are still no flowers on your holiday table. Even though there’s not a present to unwrap, flowers are never unwelcome as a surprise gift.

5. Don’t forget that spa certificate. While the spa certificate has become a cliché gift, it’s still always a welcome one. What woman doesn’t want to be pampered for an hour or even a full day. To make this gift extra special however, take the extra step of making a tentative appointment in the near future, as well as making childcare arrangements. Then, all she has to do is show up. This is far better than putting the onus on her to find child care and the perfect moment to take a break.

Remember that online services still can ship with just two days, or even one day advance purchase. If you still have lots of shopping left to do, consider an Amazon prime membership, which provides free two day shipping on all purchases for $79 per year. It isn’t cheap, but it is a good deal if you have a lot of shopping and shipping left to do.

Have a great holiday!

What is it about the Shrek franchise that makes both kids and dads laugh out loud? All the Shreks have been good, mostly clean, family fare that work on both adult and kid levels. My kids and I watched Shrek the Halls last night and both my four-year old boy and eight year-old girl laughed through the whole thing. At one point, I even had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard.

Clocking in at 22 minutes, this video is a a very short diversion that may even become a classic about the holiday season like “It’s a Wonderful LIfe” or The Grinch. At least you can tell yourselves that when you take a break from wrapping presents to indulge for a few minutes. The movie’s premise is simple: this is Shrek’s first Christmas and he wants to make it perfect for his new family. And when he says family, he’s not talking about Donkey, Puss ‘n Boots, and all the other fairy tale creatures (Three little pigs, Gingerbread man) who live down the lane. Shrek has to find the real way to celebrate Christmas which, as some character says, isn’t something you follow a cook book recipe to do. Shrek’s Christmas involves the whole extended swamp family and ultimately involves family fighting and bickering. As Donkey says, “My mama always said, ‘Christmas ain’t Christmas until someone cries.” Many adults will find that this is the line that resonates the most for them out of the entire 22 minutes.

At $20 for this video, you may want to buy it bundled with Shrek 3, which may end up even costing less.

1. Electric Grill Brush - $28 - Boy, do I wish I had one of these. We’d grill outside more often. Our grill is caked with who-knows-what caked over the chrome. I brush most of it away, but a lot always remains. To the hardboiled, I know that means good barbecue flavor, but I can’t get over eating burnt meat grease.

2. Laguiole 6-Piece Steak Knife set - $42 - This is a treat for steak lovers. These French knives, which look like the famous Laguiole pocket knife look great at a table set for meat.

3. Wireless talking BBQ thermometer - $49.99 We’re not saying you really need it. I mean, does anyone barbecue that much? But maybe the dad on your list does like to bbq while watching the news and needs a reminder call if you really want to consistently hit medium rare.

4. Grilling Tool Set - Even the best of tools need to be replaced. Dads will appreciate this storage case when everything is put back the way they found it ready for next time. We can’t vouch for this set, though it looks like the one we use. You don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for a good set, but make sure the tools are more than 20″ long so dad doesn’t burn the hair off his harms when cooking dinner.

5. Weber Chimney Starter - $14 - If the dad on your list is still using lighter fluid, this is a simple tool he has to have. It uses just one page out of the newspaper to get the fire started. That means less noxious fumes and less chance you’ll be eating lighter fluid in your burger.

Astronomy and star-gazing has always been a great dad and child experience. Nothing beats lying on the grass on a warm August evening staring up in the sky and conveying the majesty and mystery of the heavens to a small child. This is a completely free activity, there are also plenty of accessories around if you’re so inclined. Here are a few of our favorites this year:

1.
Moon in my room - $39 - This light up moon hangs on your wall and shows the moon in 12 different settings, controlled by an infrared remote control. An audio CD tells more about the moon.

2.
Planisphere watch - $59.95 - This watch glows in the dark for 2-3 hours. It’s a great present for the astronomy geek who always wants to take advantage of a dark night sky. The watch shows northern constellations only.

3.
Celestron Skyscout - $199 (50% cheaper than in 2007) - The Skyscout uses GPS to ID and 8000 starts and planets and then will even tell you about via audio or text. All the astronomer has to do is point this gadget into the night sky and it actually finds constellations for you. As one reviewer on Amazon says, “This is the astronomy device I’ve been waiting for all my life.”

4. Orion Star Target Planisphere ” target=”_blank”>Orion Star Target Planishere - $11.00 - This stargazing the old fashioned way, with a map of the heavens you hold up in the night sky. You’ll also need a red flashlight to read the map in the dark.

5.
Barska Travel Telescope - 59.95 - Savings priced telescope for aspiring astronomers with 300X magnification and a 5×24 finder scope. Don’t expect the world, but this is a good intro telescope. Minor to major inconvenience is the table level telescope. It’s perfect for setting up on a picnic table and taking turns looking from there, but impossible to use at ground level.

Happy stargazing!

I took the day off today to chaperone my son’s pre-k trip to the Pumpkin Patch. I had two other boys to follow around and it felt like a five hour game of hide and seek. Or to mix metaphors, like they were blobs of mercury and could divide and flow into every little space in seconds. Except for my son, of course, the boys were heedless, running wherever their little brains thought they could find pleasure. One second, it was the bouncy house, then the slide, then the hay maze, or the hay ride. I was prepared for a lot of pleasure-oriented seeking, but not the heedless running, oblivious to either my yells or stern lectures. What a change from when I did this three years ago with my daughter’s kindergarten class.

I was one of three dads who took the day off, among perhaps ten other moms. The odds seem to be getting better. All in all, we had a grand time, fitting in all the clichés of autumn harvest, except the Halloween allusions. One of the kindergarten teachers mused, “If aliens landed and saw us out here communing with the hay and pumpkins, what would they conclude? A religious rite, preparation for war (with catapulted orange missiles?), or a harvest of the mainstay of our diet, the nutritious pumpkin. It was better not to dwell on this for too long or it would drain the entertainment value out of it.

LEGO City Advent Calendar 2008 - If you wait very much longer this cool advent calendar will be sold out for Christmas. This calendar has absolutely nothing to do with the holiday, but kids love to open up the little parts every day at breakfast, counting down the days ’till they have more stuff to open. Make sure to get a little plastic box as well to hold all the little tiny parts. Once the tiny pieces are assembled, they come apart and end up all over the house.

Lego CASTLE Advent Calendar 2008

LEGO City Advent Calendar (2007)

Okay, so maybe it brings Christmas down to even a crasser commercial level, but the kid in us kind of likes these Advent calendars from Lego and Mattel. Kids are as thrilled by a tiny tiny surprise as they are with the $100 doll or train set (well maybe…). Ever watch them with a ten cent toy at the dentist’s office. These calendars, while not religious in any way, are just a way to build up the excitement until Christmas day. So, if you’ve bought into Christmas as a big day full of gifts for the kids, with all the baggage that comes with it, you might like these.

I’m going to get them for my kids, though I’m sure my wife will have to hold her nose (and her tongue!). LEGO® City Advent Calendar ($24.99) and Polly Pocket 24-Piece Snowflake Advent Calendar ($14.99).

and have one in the oven. $55 for the two at Costume Supercenter.