“The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance by Polly Young-Eisendrath is out and it will be a good read for parents frustrated by the “every child is a winner” mentality that has taken over our schools and playgrounds.

I happen to believe in the philosophy behind constant praise for children. In my belief, they need to build a reservoir of love and good feeling to be ready to battle the big bad world. However, I am also wary of shielding them growth experiences that will prepare them for the challenges after they leave the nest. We have covered many good books on the site related to self-esteem, especially by Michael Gurian and Robert Brooks which are strong resources to better understanding this dilemma.

In this book, Ms. Young-Eisendrath spells out sources of the problem. If you recognize yourself as one of these types of parents, you may be setting your child up for self-esteem issues later on:

* Laissez-faire parents - “indirect, non-confrontational, vague, and friendly in their attempts to be authorities”

* Helicopter parents - “hover around their children” trying to be close friends with them.

* Role-reversal parents - believe that you can encourage children’s inner genius by allowing them lots of affection and attention with few boundaries

As in the books of Gurian and Brooks, Ms. Young-Eisendrath examines the importance of adversity and virtue in developing kids with good self-esteem. Adversity is important, so they can overcome or make peace with it. Teaching virtue and conscience, especially as it relates to others, especially by helping them, helps to get kids outside themselves.

Some readers may be put off by her chapter on “Religion and Reverence,” where she has a section entitled, “Why we need religion,” and patronizingly insists that “spirituality” is not a substitute for organized religion.

Polly Young-Eisendrath is a Jungian analyst and psychologist,, and a a Clinical Associate Professor o Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Vermont.

Some times, rather than a present for themselves, dads just like to see the kids enjoy a new toy or book. Here is a selection of books for young kids where the dad is the star. I’m an old softie when it comes to books and images of dads spending good times with their kids. My daughter has two or three books that feature dads and daughters and it makes me feel very special that she reserves a special place on her shelf for them. While we have not read any of the titles listed in this article, I’m going to check them out before next Sunday.

Here’s an excerpt from the Seattle Times Article and the list of books.

One girl likens her dad to a dog. One dad is convinced he’s a bird. Another dad lives away and a fourth works late but has a great lullaby in a wide-ranging selection of children’s books for Father’s Day.

“My Father the Dog” by Elizabeth Bluemle and illustrated by Randy Cecil (Candlewick Press, $6.99, ages 4-7). He scratches, fetches and growls when startled out of a nap. He likes the window rolled down and the breeze on his face during a drive. He pees on a tree and toots on the couch. Yep, this clownish dad is a lot like a dog as his daughter observes, but he’s a loyal, loving one. Bluemle reassuringly promises in a postscript: “This book is not based on my own father. Honest, Dad, it’s not.”

[From Books | Father's Day books celebrate dads of all kinds | Seattle Times Newspaper]

1.

My Father the Dog

2.

Papa and Me

3.

A Day with Dad

4.

Daddy Hug

5.

My Dad’s a Birdman

With just a few days left before dads’ day, here are a few suggestions for wine books you can pick up at the local bookstore or order quickly off Amazon.

1. Hugh Johnson’s Pocket Wine Book 2008 - This is a classic little volume perfect for sneaky glances while out at a restaurant where you need a reminder on the best years for a French Burgundy. It has seviceable wine pairing suggestions and even a primer on wine glass selection. At $14.95, this is a good bet.

2. The World Atlas of Wine Hugh Johnson and Jancis Robinson - This is a good building block for a strong wine library, as are the following four books.

3. The WIne Bible - 19.95 paperback

4.
Sotheby’s Wine Encyclopedia - $50.00

5. The Oxford Companion to Wine, 3rd Edition - $65

6. Oz Clarke’s Grapes and Wines: The definitive guide to the world’s great grapes and the wines they make - $25 paperback. Also writes an annual pocket guide to wine like the Hugh Johnson book.

With more data coming out all the time on the health benefits of wine, especially red, now’s the time to pour and toast, “To your health, Dad.”

If you have a daughter, it’s hard not to get a little emotional reading this collection of anecdotes compiled by Gregory Lang (author of more pithy books like “Why a daughter Needs a Dad: 100 reasons”). This is not a “deep” book, but it does get at a lot important truths about the importance of a father to little (and big) girls. Sometimes, that’s also what dads need to give an extra push to their efforts. We all need to know that all those hours pushing swings and replacing toy batteries are the foundation of an enduring relationship that doesn’t end suddenly at adolescence. There has been plenty of research that shows this to be true, but Mr. Lang, in this compilation of his own and others’ stories, relates how this plays out in different ways. For the dad of a young girl, it also gives a not-always-comfortable (read morbid) look into the future when kids are grown up and dad is looking at what he’s leaving behind as a legacy, rather than what he is building in the here and now. It may have you weeping into your Scotch before the end of the second chapter.

I’d recommend this as a gift from any girl or woman wanting to communicate to a dad why he’s special to her.

Daddy’s Little Girl: Stories of the Special Bond Between Fathers and Daughters by Gregory E. Lang

Every night, it’s the same drills at our house. A never-ending pattern of tooth-brushing and pyjama-changing. It’s like the myth of Sisyphus, a mom and a dad doomed for eternity to push a rock up to the top of a hill, only to watch it come rolling back down. But of course, it’s not eternity. It’s just a few short years until they brush and change themselves, start to read to you, and eventually close the door after dinner and hang a big “Parents Keep Out” sign on their door.

However, until then, what to do to make the rituals more entertaing, stay in the moment, and not despair over your own need to pay the bills or catch up on the latest update on “Lost.” I hope you don’t feel tricked if I tell you that bedtime will always be bedtime. Kids thrive on routine, and actually, the more you do that’s the same (same order, same time) will help get them to sleep better.

However, there is one area within your control, and that is which book you have to or get to read.

Personally, I always liked to read Goodnight Moon, and one of my favorites is Go to Bed, Fred. Good Night Moon is more sentimental and strangely poignant. Go to Bed, Fred uses Sesame Street characters and is actually funny with kids below four years old.

I have now read two Harry Potter books with my eight year old girl. I can’t say it’s great literature but it’s better than a lot of the Scholastic books she brings home. And it fuels our discussions for days because the characters are so vivid. They say that beyond book Three or so, you have to watch out since the themes become ever more dark, and are really too chilling for little kids.

What are your favorites? Do you hate or love Winnie the Pooh (hate him now except for the Heffalump-chasing scene). Have you tried the classics or do you stick with the bestsellers. Do the rhymes in Madeline drive you to insanity? Have you read enough Go Dog Go to last a lifetime?

Reading to your kids is one of life’s great pleasures and has been proven over and over to benefit kids and make them better learners and future readers. With so many great books to choose from though, there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy yourself along the way. Remember though, if it’s on the shelf, you’re at the mercy of your little kid’s choices, and he’ll sometimes be happy reading the same thing for week straight.

The subtitle of the book is “Building a Closer Connection with Your Baby,” and that’s what we hope the book will help dads do: feel closer and more connected to the little people in their lives. If you’re interested, you can read the preface here: My dad used to sit on the bathroom counter while he shaved and brushed his teeth, finished dressing, and tied his tie. I did the same with my toddler. It would be before dawn and very quiet, and I would set our daughter on the side of the sink while I shaved, talking quietly to her. Something about being alone together, trying made it exciting and special for her. It didn’t matter that I was busily getting ready; she was glad to come along, and even the sense of purpose was fun for her, just as she still likes to come on the most boring and mundane errands—to the post office, the DMV, even the dentist. When my daughter accompanies me, she doesn’t act bored and impatient. The outing becomes more like an occasion, and I enjoy it more too.

One day, at the sink, she insisted on shaving me. She was just three. If not for the fact that I remember sitting on the sink to watch my dad shave, I wouldn’t even have considered putting a razor into my toddler’s hand and letting her at my throat. I showed her the motion (down, pick up, down—never sideways!—and don’t press hard) and guided her hand through it a couple times. I told her how my grandfather, each morning before he went to elementary school, had gone upstairs to his own grandfather’s room with a straight razor, soap, and brush, to shave him after he had gone blind in his old age. She looked totally absorbed by this, and held her hand steady, so I positioned her hand at the top of my cheek and let her try a stroke. She carefully removed a stripe of shaving cream from my cheek, without trimming a single whisker. We worked on the pressure a bit, and she did most of the flat, easy parts of my cheeks.

My daughter was very proud to have been allowed this responsibility, and to have done something to care for me the way I normally took care of her. It was a bonding moment, which she has asked to repeat every few months since, and which I’ve carried on with her two younger siblings as they reached that age—without a single scratch.

Most men are like I was before my first child, having never even held a baby in our lives and with little or no experience taking care of kids. Of course we feel apprehensive about bonding and unsure how to interact with our offspring. I knew, though, that if I let my apprehension put me in the back seat in parenting, I would be taking a step back from one of the most important experiences of my life. I needed to take the initiative and create my own ways to bond with my child, right from the beginning.

It’s hard to engage after work when you’re tired and stressed, and part of the choice facing fathers is whether to play it safe, stay in that work mode and be very hands-off at home, or to engage with our children, something for which we’ve had no practice, and makes us feel unsure of ourselves.

Bonding with a baby or small child is about the small moments that you spend together, looking at each other, talking, taking walks. It’s not something that happens instantly. It’s a relationship that grows over time. That’s what this book is about: practical, everyday things to do to enjoy being with your children and forge the bond for both of you.

A lot of dads feel closer to older children, the ones who can catch a ball and enjoy a slice of pizza. But the bonding process starts in infancy, in hundreds of small ways. That’s where we’ll start—we’ll get to ball and pizza later.

We at GreatDad are obviously strong believers that moms and dads have different parenting styles. Both are important and play different roles in the emotional, moral, and intellectual development of the child. While we also believe that children thrive on love, positive parenting, and supportive environments, we can’t help but be more and more persuaded of how much is “hard-wired” in each individual.

We had an opportunity to talk with Michael Gurian about these subjects and his new book, Nurture the Nature. His thoughts are especially interesting to us since they underscore the crucial role dads play in the development of the child.

Are moms and dads interchangeable as parents?

Moms and dads create different types of bonds with their children — you can’t measure the father bond through the lens of the mommy bond. While the mommy/infant bond is primary during the first two years of life, dads must bond with babies during the first five years to develop the trust, reliance and respect for their fathers that will become even more important to their development as they reach pre-adolescence. Additionally, dads that bond with their babies during this time are far more likely to stay with them through separation or divorce.

To read more, go to GreatDad.com for the other parts of this article:

What critical elements do dads bring to parenting?

When are the most critical times for dad to spend time with children?

Who gets credit or blame for the successes or problems we see in our kids?

How about the child who plays video games and doesn’t engage in the world?

We love this idea so much we’re asking Jennifer and James to join our contributing authors on GreatDad.com. This book, and sentiment, would make a fine gift for new dads. In my experience, real close bonding with my kids didn’t happen for me until they were about three and a half. I felt guilty about it at first, but came to appreciate the changing roles of moms and dads as the baby grows up. The baby also wants mommy so desperately for a long time, that it’s normal for dad to sometimes feel a little bit outside looking in. Great Dads won’t resent that, but prepare themselves for the “age of dad,” around four to five, when dad becomes the king of fun around the house, if he wants that role. Still, any book that offers tips to bring you closer to the baby is good during those early days, especially since you’re setting the pattern (for you and your child) for a lifetime to come. The Baby Bonding Book for Dads: Building a Closer Connection With Your Baby by James Di Properzio, Jennifer Margulis